i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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