So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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