my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
