I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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