ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
