it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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