he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
