Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
