i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
