Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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