They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
