I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
