I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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