remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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