im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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