is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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