Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
