The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
