Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Randomize
