how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
