Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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