Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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