either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
