She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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