Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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