i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
