we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
