That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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