why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
