Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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