I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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