I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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