Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
