This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
