Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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