May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
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