Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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