she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
