I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize