Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
