if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
