I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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