People in love make me want to vomit
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We just shotgunned beers for America
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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