My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Randomize
