I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize