Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
