office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
