My liver just broke up with me...
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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