I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
