you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
