Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
