Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
