I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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