u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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