Someone shit on the floor
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
