so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My liver is preforming stress tests.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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