So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
