Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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