We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Come share oat with me in your robe
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
