forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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