You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
